i close my eyes sometimes n i wonder...i wonder where it all started... than i realized it started when i left the womb. when they refused to get that abortion....when they refused to give me up.i remember to this day...those horibble years that only got worse n worse....when i was about 3 i lost all contact with my parents. they didnt care what i did or where i was at anytime.....i remember having nothing....feeling so lonely so unloved. my family consisted of me n my older friends. they were all 16 n basicly lived on the streets. they took care of me they cared if i lived or died. i close my eyes n thank them, thank them for caring to a degree. i remember i got a dog when i was 4 he was a good dog he was my protector, he was my mentor...but it went down hill none the less. i started smoking when i was about 7 years old n i had been drinking little by little since i was 5. when i was bout 6-7 my mom had my little brother... i loved him so much..he was my blood he was who i was suposed to be. i took good care n mad sure he wasnt me. we soon moved out the 2 family house we rented into a bigger house we owned. my mom was home more often but i didnt care. she was never there for me when i needed her so she doesnt need to be there now. she tried to make it up to me by buying me toys n showering me with my every want, but what i had needed was a mother what i needed was a father, a mother who loved me who was there for me, i father who loved me n was there for me. as they began to realize i wasnt accepting there apology they became frustrated. n decided to take offense n take it out on me. this is where my drug addiction began... n where i became suicidle....



Tomarrow ill have another post to continue my story....please if anyone has any advice for me please let me knw ive reached the largest depression of my life right now n i need some guidence n help

Raph

yea....jus keep reading....is this all i ever do now...is sit here days n days on end....i dont sleep. i dont eat. where am i going in life?? im jus on a steady pace down hill. im gunna crash into the big brick wall....n i honestly cant wait. ive treated myself like i was worthless i killed myself with drugs n alcohol. im falling down a hole i sat there n dug for myself. n i cant wait till i hit rock bottem because im gunna keep diggin cause thats all i knw how to do nowadays. i have no friends family abandoned...so when is that flaming chariot coming for my dead body. im ready to go, i aint got nothing to live for anymore...im slowly killing myself anyway. so jus burry me alive n ill try n rest in peace. but ill jus be here falling n falling n falling waiting to see that light...to see that magical angel in the sky flying down to save me to right my wrongs n to take me home....somewhere i belong...but till than ill keep falling and falling n falling. n when ive hit the bottem ill dig n dig n dig till im nothing but a sad memory n fade away....


and ive always wondered why.....why did i have to be born...why did i have to be the mistake.....why do i have to pay the price of a broken families own selfpitty....why did i have to have no mother or father...why me...why. ive taken my fathers, and grandfathers path down there lives drink do drugs n die. n ive always wondered what id be like id i was different...maybe if my mom didnt treat me like a mistake..maybe if my father was a real one...maybe if my little brother didnt have to come help me put my own needles down....if i wasnt such a fuck up would i be a better person? i dare not speak in the precense of my parents in fear of what lies to come...im on thin ice mentally physically n emotionally...n i dont knw how much longer till i decide to break the ice...pull the trigger....jump of that edge....ive been so alone n so cold...my only friends where those little people who taunted me n laughed at me after a few dosages....n why do they still haunt me? i down bottles to sooth my heart ache after everymorning....i sit there n cry sometimes....i sit there n cry all night...my father told me i could never cry...ever since i was little.....n when there sleeping i feel little tears trinkle down my cheek...i close my eyes n have plesent dreams of me drowning n dying a slow painful death....n nightmares of being locked up in a cage in this house forever. is it my fault? do they rele hate me for exsisting...? is it my fault i still live n  i still breathe? i wanna close my eyes n escape this reality that ive come to be....so mommy how r u today? when u left me all alone u took a piece of me away. and daddy how r u today? you worked so hard but left me in my wake......